S2:E19

Dream Boat / Best of Friends / Aftermath

Our immediately recognizable guests: Dr. Joyce Brothers, Diana Muldaur from Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Donna Pescow from Saturday Night Fever. Unfortunately, she just missed S2:E18’s Disco Baby storyline. Let’s get groovy anyway.

Doc welcomes his old pal, Dr. Akers who has arrived with his wife. They were friends back in med school, and Dr. Akers calls Doc, “the Boy Wonder”, probably because he was a good medical student and not that he dressed up like Robin. Doc says he finally learned to combine business with pleasure by becoming a cruise ship doctor and asks if Dr. Akers is still Chief Surgeon at City hospital. He’s not. He quit practicing medicine because of a car accident which left him with a plastic arm and gloved hand. By the look on his wife’s face, she’s heard his tale of woe a few times.

A woman named Carol is meeting her friend Gwen who recently got engaged to a man named Paul. Carol will be meeting him for the first time, but not before she has a flirtatious encounter with a man who asks if she’s interested in the moon, because he’s apparently an expert in moon things. Carol falls for the line and they agree to meet on the deck at 11:00pm. Not to play soothsayer, but I suspect this might be Gwen’s fiance, Paul.

A stern looking gentleman, Herr Schmidt, arrives and watches Captain Stubing interact with Gopher in a firm but friendly way. Herr Schmidt asks if the Captain likes his job. He loves it! But why the question? Because Herr Schmidt says Captain Stubing may not have the job much longer.

And some bewildered flute music plays us to see… THEN THE HORN!

DREAM BOAT

Captain Stubing is in the Pirate’s Cove with Herr Schmidt and asks why he wouldn’t have his job much longer. Herr Schmidt asks if Captain “Schtubing” (is how he pronounces it) has ever heard of the ship, The Lorelei. Who hasn’t? It’s the finest luxury liner afloat! Herr Schmidt tells Schtubing he’s being considered for Captain of The Lorelei and thinks he’s a perfect fit. Isaac overhears while wearing a billowy pirate shirt under a black vest. Now would be a really good time for one of Amy’s limericks, sea-shanty style.

Isaac tells Julie and Gopher that the Captain is in the running for The Lorelei and they all agree that while it would be sad to see him go, it’s an opportunity of a lifetime and they want to help. Dr. Joyce Brothers makes a nameless cameo appearance as a passenger who tells Captain Schtubing (in front of Herr Schmidt) that she loves all the activities on the ship. That’s the last we see of Dr. Joyce Brothers. 

We see many more scenes where the crew go over the top needing Captain Schtubing to solve problems, showcase his Captainy prowess, and sing his praises in front of Herr Schmidt. Captain Schtubing is eventually offered the job on The Lorelei. Julie and Gopher congratulate him, but Schtubing walks off angry. This is followed by several scenes of the Captain scolding the crew for various things while Herr Schmidt watches. He eventually asks why the Captain is being so harsh and Captain Schtubing tells him to “bug off.”  Herr Schmidt doesn’t care - he wants an answer about The Lorelei, but the Captain keeps avoiding the conversation.

Captain Schtubing goes to a silken-robed Doc for advice on what to do about The Lorelei. Doc asks what the Captain wants out of life. His response: “health, happiness, and love.” Doc says, “...and success?” But what is success? Oh, the question of all time. Doc says the Captain seems to already have his definition: “health, happiness, and love.” They smile and awkwardly stroke each other’s arms.

Herr Schmidt realizes that Captain Schtubing is being cranky because of the pressure to give an answer about The Lorelei. The Captain finally turns down the job saying that there’s nothing more important to him than his crew and the Princess.

Storyline Highs

• Captain Schtubing apparently has a reputation that spans the seas.

Storyline Rating

• 3 out of 4 anchors. Crew-centric storyline for the win, plus we got to hear the word “Schtubing” a lot.

BEST OF FRIENDS

Gwen finds Carol sunning herself on the Lido Deck and Carol mentions the “smooth” man who invited her for a date in the moonlight. Seconds later, Gwen’s fiance, Paul arrives. As predicted, he’s the moon man. Carol and Paul pretend they’re meeting for the first time, but Carol is clearly irritated. She begins avoiding them - Gwen invites her to hang out with her and Paul, but instead, Carol goes to her room to write postcards she’ll send out from the middle of the sea. And when they're supposed to have dinner together, Carol doesn’t show up. It’s too bad she didn’t. Paul is wearing a banana yellow ruffle tuxedo shirt with black trim. 

Gwen finds Carol on the deck in the moonlight and asks why she didn’t join her and Paul for dinner. She suspects that Carol doesn’t like Paul and demands to know why. Carol tells her that Paul is the moon man. Gwen can’t believe it and gets angry, so Carol tells her to go up to the Promenade Deck - where they agreed to meet - and see for herself. Gwen hides under the stairs while Carol waits for Paul. And here he comes. He tells Carol his friends were teasing him about being an old married man so he thought he’d come on the cruise (with his fiancee) and have a fling with “the most beautiful woman” he could find (while his fiancee was on board.) Under the stairs, Gwen gets upset and runs off. If she’d waited one second longer, she would have heard Paul say that he could never go through with a fling because Gwen means everything to him and he’s madly in love with her. 

Gwen now won’t speak with Paul, so he and Carol talk it out by the pool when Gwen strolls up and sees them sitting closely. Later, she sees them dancing because why not pour fuel on the fire at this point. Gwen decides to get on the dance floor with Gopher, and the two couples argue it out while dancing, eventually clearing the floor. The music stops, they all yell back and forth, then eventually make up and realize they love each other amidst this crazy misunderstanding. The music picks up and everyone boogies. 

Storyline Highs

• Paul’s banana-yellow black trim tuxedo shirt.

Storyline Rating

• 2 out of 4 anchors. Lotta nonsense here.

AFTERMATH

Doc and Akers are reminiscing about old times and walking around the Lido Deck pool while people play catch with a beach ball in 4 inches of water. Akers and his gloved hand insult Doc Bricker for choosing general practice on a cruise ship “giving aspirin to vacationing debutantes.” He tells Doc to get the most out of life because one never knows when it might be taken away from you. See also: his plastic arm.

We get a brief glimpse of a chef cutting into roast beef with a glistening shine, and then pan over to Akers and his wife who are at the Captain’s table having dinner. Akers takes another shot at Doc for being more interested in “having a good time” than practicing good medicine. Akers is having trouble cutting into his steak with his plastic hand, so his wife offers to help. Akers refuses the help and says “if this steak were a patient, they’d have to notify next of kin.” I laughed, but Akers’s wife did not, and instead, took out a box of pills and ate two of them. 

Doc invites Akers and his wife to Puerto Vallarta but Akers says he’d rather spend the day lying on the deck “with the other invalids.” His piñata and sombrero loss. He also comments on how Doc seems to be a part time tour guide in addition to a doctor. Akers retreats to his cabin and his wife apologizes to Doc. They both agree that Akers could be doing so much more like teaching or writing books or exploring bionic arm options, but instead, he wallows in self-pity. Later in the cabin, Akers tells his wife that he wishes the ship had TV so he could watch The Fugitive and root for the one-armed man. Pfft. His steak joke was funnier. His wife pops another pill.

Doc is down in the dumps because Akers made fun of him for being a lazy cruise doctor. Gopher asks why Doc cares and he says Akers was a “giant” in the field. Julie says Doc is a giant in his own way because whatever port they stop in, women speak his name with “awed whispers.” 

Akers is waiting for his wife to head to breakfast when she tells him to go without her. He says maybe he’ll “find a bridge game that’s short of hand.” Again, maybe improve your jokes. Akers' wife goes to pop more pills but they’re all gone because the audience watching this story ate them all. It may be time for her to lean into her husband’s pity rather than get so upset. After all, humor can often be… disarming. 

Akers’s wife goes to Doc for a refill of her prescription. He’s surprised because it was just filled a week ago, and it’ll take time to get the refill - his pharmacy cabinet is a little… short-handed. 

We see a pensive Akers standing by the railing while an announcement is made that those wanting to go parasailing should meet on the Karl Deck Gangway in ten minutes. No thanks. Doc walks up and says hello. Akers asks Doc how it is in “medical Disneyland” and if he’s treated any “confetti overdoses.” This guy’s been a jerk the whole cruise. A little kindness doesn’t have to… cost an arm and a leg. 

Doc tells Akers that his wife needs a refill for tranquilizers, but warns that it’s easy to become dependent. Akers gets irritated saying he wrote the prescription himself and questions whether Doc is qualified to second guess him. Akers explains that his wife has had “trouble relaxing” since his accident. He wants Doc to shut up and just… lend a hand.

Akers’s wife storms into Doc’s office (past a nurse we’ve never seen before) and tries to break into his medicine cabinet, but it’s locked. The nurse asks what’s going on and Akers’s wife said she tripped and fell and will find the Doc herself. No need for the nurse to get… up in arms.

Akers finds Doc in the hallway and begins to apologize for being rough, but is interrupted by his wife who starts stumbling, saying “it hurts”. She keeps falling, so Doc orders Akers to get his medical kit while he takes her to the cabin. After a check-up, Doc says she’s suffering from withdrawal. Akers can’t believe it, even though he kept her dosed up with free prescriptions. He goes on about how he’s not much of a doctor anymore because his life is over. Akers’s wife perks up from her fainting stupor and yells about the accident being her fault, so Akers should just shut up and blame her instead of forcing her to suffer through his passive aggressive baby tantrums and bad self-deprecating jokes. (I added that last part.) She’s the one who was driving and feels responsible for his plastic arm. Plus she can’t take his jokes anymore. After all, they’re getting… out of hand.

Akers’s wife wakes up the next day and apologizes for making a scene. Instead, Akers apologizes to her and says the only way his life would be over is if he lost her. He later goes to Doc’s office and the two stand uncomfortably close while they talk it out. Akers thanks Doc for everything, realizing that being a good doctor and a good husband go… hand in glove.

Storyline Highs

• The steak joke. Why did no one at the table laugh? 

Storyline Rating

• 4 out of 4 anchors. Insults, drug withdrawals, a plastic arm; this story had it all and was the best of the episode… hands down.

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Exiting Extras

A fuzzy dog piñata.

Episode Rating

Medium cruise ship. If it weren’t for that plastic arm, I would’ve kept this episode… at arm’s length.