Welcome back, Leslie Nielsen! Clearly, we didn’t get enough of your stoicism in Season 1. Also, welcome the kid who played Andy Garvey on Little House on the Prairie! Could anyone be more excited than me when Little House on the Prairie people show up on Love Boat? No. No they could not.
It’s Captain Stubing’s 5th year anniversary with the Pacific Princess and the crew have a surprise in store: an exact replica of the ship made out of 16,842 matchsticks. (They actually said the number.) Is that a good gift? I’m probably not the one to ask. But here comes Bo ‘n Sam - two goofball workers carrying it into the lobby in plain sight. I hope someone doesn’t fall on top of it. Would it really be all that upsetting if the matchstick boat got ruined? I’m probably not the one to ask. The Captain doesn’t see the gift, but does hint to the crew that he wants a new watch. I hope this story isn’t as disappointing as a matchstick replica ship.
Stay with me on this:
A woman named Diana is traveling with her father, Hank, who is a big-time publisher.
Diana bumps into her old friend, Jeff, who works at a newspaper company that Hank owns.
Jeff is traveling with his mother, Monica, who is a union lawyer for some of the people working in Hank’s company.
Though Jeff and Diana are friends, Hank and Monica hate each other.
So the gist here is: union lawyer versus big corporate boss, and their adult children are probably going to fall in love.
Julie drops her clipboard when a distinguished gentleman named Walter Barrish picks it up. She can barely speak. She offers to show Walter to his cabin, but he politely refuses. She then invites him to dinner. Sure just go for it, Julie. He’s taken aback, but agrees to meet at 7:00. Minutes later, Captain Stubing introduces Julie to young Bobby Tryman, son of the Director of the entire cruise line. Captain Stubing wants Julie to make sure Bobby has everything he needs since he’s traveling alone. A nice vacation alone is just what a 13-year old needs. Let’s all prepare for an uncomfortable love triangle between two adults and a teenager.
Play us out, boat horn!
AGES OF MAN
Bobby is talking with Julie on the Lido Deck and for a teeanger, he’s quite the gentleman. When Bobby heads to get beverages, Walter - the dashing older man - walks up and Julie, again, can barely contain herself. Bobby now has competition.
Julie finds a gift in her cabin from a secret admirer. It’s a corsage with a note that says, “Cocktails 5:00. Pirate’s Cove.” Is it Walter or is it Bobby? They’re both sitting in the bar and Julie shows up in a white dress that could be a wedding gown. Guess what? Bobby sent the invite and he can’t even drink. Walter waves at her, but happily continues drinking alone.
Julie finally has dinner with Walter, who says she’s the most beautiful and charming woman on the ship. Meanwhile, Bobby is sitting at the Captain’s table and makes a comment that Walter is too old for Julie. Captain Stubing comments that Bobby seems “very fond” of Julie, then Bobby admits he’s in love. The Captain looks worried. Later, Julie finds Walter in the moonlight and they make out.
The next morning, Julie stops by the breakfast buffet table that’s loaded with fruit. Lots and lots and lots of fruit. And maybe what looks to be danish. But mostly fruit. I hope no one is fructose intolerant. Julie tells Isaac she’s in love with Walter because everything he does is wonderful, he’s a perfect gentleman, and their age difference doesn’t matter. Remember, they just met like, a day ago. What a great time for Bobby to overhear and think Julie is talking about him. He calls Julie “darling” and she becomes alarmed, but doesn’t say anything. Instead, she heads off to find Walter asking if there’s anything she can do for him such as “make the ship go faster”, “make the sun shine brighter”, or (pause) “maybe something more personal.” Settle down, Julie. Captain Stubing interrupts Julie for a private conversation, tells her Bobby is in love, and he wants Julie to have a talk with him before it gets out of hand.
In the moonlight, Julie is trying to let Bobby down easy. She asks to be friends, and though disappointed, he remains polite and excuses himself for some time alone. Later, Bobby is sitting by the Lido Deck pool which, as we’ve seen in previous episodes, has floating candles. Julie walks by with Walter talking about how she has a week off and wants to spend it with him. She then says she feels terrible for letting Bobby down because it broke his heart. Walter tells her that letting someone down is never easy, but sometimes it has to be done. Buckle up, Julie. Walter then says she’s too young for him and he only wants to be friends. As I would only expect, Julie gets bratty and pouty and rips her hand away from him like she’s 7, then sits by the pool and cries. Walter walks off. Probably in relief. Luckily, Julie is consoled by a 13-year old.
Storyline Highs
My immediate expectation to expect the worst from Julie.
Storyline Rating
2 out of 4 anchors. It was a weird love triangle, but Julie delivered a childish tantrum, which is always enjoyable.
FAMILIES
Hank is angrily throwing his clothes into the drawer as he unpacks because he’s mad Monica is on the same cruise. How effective! His daughter, Diana walks in and he whines that Monica probably followed him on the cruise to ruin his trip. In another cabin, we see Monica and her son, Jeff, and Monica is complaining about Hank. After this, we continue to see several mini-scenes where Hank and Monica are avoiding being in the same place together as their kids watch from a distance. On and on this goes. Eventually, Jeff and Diana make out in the moonlight despite their parents’ hatred for one another. CALLED IT.
Jeff tells his mother he’s in love with Diana. Meanwhile on another part of the deck, Diana tells Hank she’s in love with Jeff. The two parents are supportive of Jeff and Diana falling in love and decide they need to figure out how to communicate. Hank and Monica share coffee on the Lido Deck and have a nice conversation - or so we’re led to believe. We don’t actually get to see the conversation, but they’re both smiling a lot so let’s continue with the assumption. I’m sure nothing will go wrong.
Jeff and Diana are playing shuffleboard on the Lido Deck, and it’s really taking up a lot of space. Now the two of them start to argue because Diana agrees with Jeff’s mother about unions, and Jeff agrees with Diana’s father about corporations. In the meantime, Hank and Monica are getting along swimmingly. What a twist! But it won’t be twisty for long because Hank and Monica start arguing by the railing about life being hard work versus life being great. I think that’s what’s happening. I don’t know - my attention span is in and out of what’s going on.
Later, Jeff is getting a drink with Diana’s father and Diana is getting a drink with Jeff’s mother. Jeff is complaining about his mother in his conversation, and Diana is complaining about her father in her conversation. Another twist: Hank and Monice start defending each other. It’s a whole thing. Eventually, everyone gets along and starts dancing. Things happened fast here. I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss a huge chunk of this story.
Storyline Highs
My ability to manage a somewhat coherent recap.
Storyline Rating
1 out of 4 anchors. Unions vs. Corporations and Storyline vs. Attention Span.
BO ‘N SAM
Bo ‘n Sam are carrying the matchstick replica ship through the hallway when they hear Captain Stubing’s name being called. They freak out and Bo goes one way while Sam goes another. The ship breaks into pieces. We sure didn’t see that coming. The canned audience is in shock. Bo ‘n Sam (They’ll be no using the word “and” here) sheepishly come to the crew with pieces of the broken ship. Now what will they get the Captain? Sombrero and piñata?
The crew demand that Bo ‘n Sam fix the replica ship when Captain Stubing comes sniffing around. Isaac, Gopher, and Doc lie and say they’re planning a party, and the Captain gets excited. Not only do they have no gift, they now also have to throw a party.
Bo ‘n Sam are trying to put the matchstick replica back together when they run out of needed hairpins. (??) Bo decides he’d rather go dancing, plus it’s a good excuse to find hairpins since dancing ladies clearly love wearing hairpins. The two argue about who gets to leave and who has to stay in the room for some reason. In this exchange, we deduce that Bo is in charge and Sam is the blockheaded sidekick. In any case, they both end up leaving the room. Halfway down the hall, they realize they can’t go dancing in their work coveralls, so they steal some suits from a man delivering dry cleaning. Once in the Coral Dining Room, Bo asks a woman at the bar to dance, then steals her hairpins as she’s flailing away because remember, dancing ladies love hairpins.
Bo ‘n Sam finally fix the replica ship and Gopher directs them to the barber shop to hide it. Get it? Because the Captain is bald so he never goes to the barber shop. Anyway, Gopher gets called to the “Radio Room” over the loudspeaker so he leaves Bo ‘n Sam to it. Will they get stuck in an elevator? Of course they will. Oh no they won’t! Look at me thinking I know everything. Bo ‘n Sam make it to the lobby, but Captain Stubing is there. They rush to hide in the elevator, but the door closes before they can enter, crushing the replica in half. I was hoping we wouldn’t have to go through all this again.
The crew decide the replica is a goner and now there isn’t enough time to fix it before the Captain’s party. Bo ‘n Sam feel bad and decide to try and fix the ship anyway - it works! If it breaks a third time, this story is getting 4 anchors.
In his office, the Captain is receiving several gifts of various kinds of ships. The chef even gives him a ship-shaped cake! He doesn’t seem impressed with the matchstick replica until he hears a watch alarm go off. Sam’s watch slipped off inside when he was fixing the ship. The Captain seems ecstatic. He rips the ship open and finds the watch. He loves it! Bo ‘n Sam don’t say anything. Also, let’s eat that ship cake.
Storyline Highs
The woman dancing with Bo who really flailed out those hairpins.
Storyline Rating
4 out of 4 anchors. I promised 4 if the ship broke a third time.
Exiting Extras
Someone is wearing a blazing red sombrero with full commitment! Woven baskets, so many piñatas, a terrifying looking doll, a basket-type bongo, and a giant beer stein. What a haul!!
Episode Rating
Sorry, small ship. Granted, it was the Captain’s anniversary and Julie threw a tantrum, but that Families story threw me off my recap game.