S3:E25

Invisible Maniac / September Song / Peekaboo

Who do we have afloat? Ann B. Davis (Alice from the Brady Bunch), Clifton Davis (who I’ve seen in a bunch of things, but no one particular show stands out), David Hasselhoff (who needs no explanation), Gordon Jump (who was on WKRP in Cincinnati), and a very special welcome to the beautiful Bernadette Stanis who played Thelma on one of my all time favorite shows, Good Times. We could have a great cruise on our hands! (DISCLAIMER: Stubing Musings cannot guarantee great cruises or storylines, and reserves the right to make early predictions that may contain errors, overzealous assumptions, or information based on little to no evidence. Please proceed with skepticism.)

Looks like we’re boarding in the morning and Isaac is asking Gopher and Julie if Janet Reeves - a famous model - has boarded yet. Isaac knew her in first grade, and when she arrives with her handsome husband, Isaac hides behind Doc instead of saying hello.

Doc spots a lovely woman standing alone and assumes she’s traveling solo. Then a dashing tall man comes up and starts disgustingly making out with her right near the exit of the gangway. 

An older couple named Mr. and Mrs. Piermont arrive and Mrs. Piermont asks Captain Stubing what time they get to deep water. Considering she’s floating on a giant cruise ship suspended by the ocean even at dock, she may have a different idea than most people of what constitutes “deep water.” Captain Stubing says they’ll clear the harbor in an hour, but Mrs. Piermont weirdly emphasizes she means “real, real deep.” Everyone is creeped out and Vicki thinks she’s planning on taking “the old el dive-o” off the ship.

We get a couple of seconds of two elder sisters (?) - one named Agnes, and the other (no name yet) who wants to make sure there won’t be raucous parties taking place near their cabin. Gopher assures them it won’t happen, then Agnes secretly asks Gopher to find some. Looks like we’re gonna have a Love Boat odd couple on our hands. I predict Agnes will be the fun one. (Please see the disclaimer above.)

Blow that horn. We have some real deep waters to sail.

INVISIBLE MANIAC

Janet Reeves and her husband are in their cabin and she’s stunning in an orange bikini. Janet wants to head out to the Lido Deck, but her hubby wants to listen to “the game”. Janet heads out anyway and finds a spot on the edge of the pool. Gopher drags her over to speak with a very shy Isaac and it turns out Janet remembers him, but their reminiscing is interrupted by a phone call from her agent. During the conversation, she’s complaining about how her husband is ignoring her, so she decides the way to remedy the situation is by making him jealous of another man. Isaac is the ideal pawn. 

Janet tells her husband that her old boyfriend, Isaac Washington, will look after her while he listens to the game. Instead of being jealous, he asks if Isaac is related to some player from the Washington Redskins. Gopher brings Mr. Reeves new headphones so he can hear the game undisturbed. Meanwhile, Gopher overhears Janet gushing about Isaac and thinks it’s real. I guess he didn’t know about the ruse? Unclear.

I’ll save you repeated scene descriptions here and say that Janet’s husband always has his game-listening headphones on while Janet gushes about Isaac thinking her husband is hearing her. He isn’t. He doesn’t care. 

Amidst this, we tie in the sisters - Agnes and the other nameless one - who are having Lido Deck drinks. The stuffy sister chastises women for wearing skimpy bathing suits with the intention of attracting men, but Agnes thinks it great. We don’t again see these two until they’re in their cabin overhearing Janet, who’s pretending that Isaac is being handsy with her in the hall. Because of this, the stuffy sister (still no name) makes a complaint to the Captain that there’s a crazy man chasing women in the hallways. Are you getting all this? Try to stick with me. Anyway, the Captain leaves to arrange security to look for whatever crazy man might be harassing women. We don’t really hear about this again, except the stuffy sister leaves the cruise still thinking there was a woman-grabbing maniac on board. I have no idea why this was even part of anything.

Doc reveals to Mr. Reeves that Janet is trying to make him jealous because he’s obsessed with sports. He realizes he’s been ignoring his wife, so instead of just trying to be with her more, he devises a new plot with Isaac. Gopher doesn’t know about this plan either. I include that detail because now Gopher is double tricked - he thinks Janet is crazy for Isaac and Isaac is crazy for Janet. I’m not crazy about any of this. 

Isaac brings drinks to Janet’s cabin and chases her around. Then Janet’s husband comes in and acts like he wants to beat up Isaac. Janet confesses to making him jealous, and Mr. Reeves admits to tricking her with Isaac. Everything is resolved and I’m relieved this is over.

Storyline Highs

• Bernadette Stanis as Janet. The story was terrible but it’s impossible not to love her.

Storyline Rating

• 2 out of 4 anchors. I am ONLY giving it 2 anchors because again, Bernadette Stanis, and because Isaac was a main feature and we love crew-centric stories.

SEPTEMBER SONG

The lovely woman Doc spotted is named Kathy and she’s rooming with the man - Tom - who previously attached to her mouth near the gangway. (And WOW is he tall.) They’re attorneys at the same law firm, and shacking up on a love cruise won’t look good to the big cheeses. They hooked up one year ago so technically it’s their dating anniversary, but Kathy reminds Tom that they initially agreed to keep things light and casual. He remembers, and Kathy heads off to the bathroom to change. Meanwhile, Tom pulls an engagement ring out of his pocket. Though he remembers the agreement, he doesn’t plan on sticking to it.

Kathy and Tom are enjoying the moonlight when he pulls out the engagement ring and wants to get married on the ship immediately! Kathy doesn’t answer but rolls her eyes a lot. They walk off to get a drink in the PIrate’s Cove so they can talk it out. Kathy doesn’t want to get married but Tom is pressing the topic. They love each other so he doesn’t understand the hesitation and plans to use his attorney tactics to convince her otherwise. Forcing someone into marriage is always a great idea.

The next morning Tom bugs Kathy about why she won’t marry him. Kathy finally admits that because she’s 10 years older than him, she’s worried about age becoming an issue, especially with her looks. Tom calls her out saying she’s more worried about what other people think rather than the fact that they love each other. Kathy again, needs more time to think, and Tom says he wants an answer before they leave the boat. Prediction: she’ll say yes. (See disclaimer above.)

We’re in the Sea Winds Spa watching Julie give a disco lesson! It’s the same disco move we saw Rich Little do in episode 16. We also get to see Kathy and Tom bubbling away in the hot tub. Later in the moonlight, they argue about getting married again. SIGH. Tom, if you have to beg this hard, maybe it’s not worth it. Kathy can’t live with the idea of her being the older wife, but then cries and says, “what am I going to do without you?” You’re making your own bed here, Kathy, so maybe you shouldn't complain.

Tom brings his elderly grandparents aboard at the very end. They’ve been married for decades and his grandmother is 11 years older than his grandfather. See? It all works out. Kathy is convinced and will now marry Tom. What a long road.

Storyline Highs

• Discovering that David Hasselhoff (who played Tom) is that tall.

Storyline Rating

• 1 out of 4 anchors. Kathy made everything unnecessarily difficult. Proceed with caution, Tom.

PEEKABOO

Mrs. Piermont - who asked about deep water - is near the railing staring sadly at the ocean. Vicki walks up and says that while the ocean is beautiful, it’s also terribly cold. Vicki then leaves just as Mrs. Piermont’s husband, Bill, walks up and asks if she’s okay. Bill says the first day is always rocky, but it’ll get better. We have no idea what he’s talking about but I’m going to predict she might be dumping ashes? (Again, see disclaimer above.)

There’s a brief scene of Bill eyeing women in bathing suits on the Lido Deck. I don’t know what is being established there. Is Bill a pervert? Does he think today’s women are too forward? Is his wife already overboard? 

DINNER BUFFET ALERT! Okay, there’s a turkey covered in lemon or orange slices, as well as grapes, and the whole thing is surrounded by maybe eggs? A fruit platter where the only recognizable fruits are kiwi, bananas, grapes, and strawberries. We’ll just ignore the other “fruits” for now. There’s that ham (?) again covered in lemon slices and grapes, the cactus-looking skewer’d meat tower, and a platter of lobster where it looks like one of the lobsters are standing up dancing or greeting people! And there’s a waiter ladling chunks of things from a giant soupy bowl. Anyway, Mrs. Piermont (still no first name) excuses herself for a moment to run back to the cabin for something. She kisses Bill on the forehead and he gets embarrassed asking what people will think. I can’t tell if he’s ashamed of her or just conservative. When Mrs. Piermont leaves the table, she runs into Julie who confirms they’re now in the deepest water. Mrs. Piermont says she needs help dumping something overboard that she never wants to see again. (Cue me wondering if dumping things into the ocean from a cruise ship is legal.) Julie asks what Mrs. Piermont wants to dump. Mrs. Piermont answers: “me”. (I was wrong about the ashes, but I’m covered by the disclaimer.)

Don’t worry, she isn’t going to commit suicide as we were all led to believe. She wants to throw over her polyester pantsuit, frumpy glasses, and sensible shoes. She bought contact lenses and new clothes and wants to become a “far-out Faysie Piermont”! (So her first name is Faysie.) She and Bill have been married for 20 years and all their friends are divorced because their lives became dull and boring. Faysie has decided to shake things up, but she’s a little nervous because changing might be alarming to Bill. Julie encourages her to make the change anyway, because apparently Julie has been super great at decisions when it comes to love and marriage.

Faysie dumps all her clothes overboard (that won’t be problematic for the ocean at all) when Bill comes up and doesn’t recognize her. She admits to wanting a new life and Bill agrees to making this cruise an exciting lovefest. The next day, they’re both in new clothes they bought at the Love Boat boutique and order fancy drinks on the Lido Deck. Later, Bill needs to visit Doc because he’s exhausted from all his new life excitement.

Bill shows up in the moonlight in his underwear to prove a point to Faysie; she doesn’t need to wear more revealing clothes or do crazy things. Getting more exciting is nice, but they don’t have to change their lives completely. They just need to be in love. And they are! 

Storyline Highs

• Disco lesson and dinner buffet

Storyline Rating

• 1 out of 4 anchors. Can’t anyone be happy just sitting on the couch watching TV?

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Exiting Extras

Paper flowers but no piñatas. I’m not sure this cruise stopped in Mexico. Ooh, there goes that green monster piñata with the pink hat. I wonder if they have more than one of those, or if it's just the most popular exit-prop.

Episode Rating

Tiny cruiser. Bring a book.