S4:E2
pair(s), pageantry, protective, a pact, and preside
We have stars popping out of every porthole! Peter Graves (previous cruiser), Erin Moran (Shortcake on Happy Days), Darren McGavin (the Dad from The Christmas Story), Debbie Reynolds (Princess Leia’s mom), Don Most (previous cruiser), Ted Knight (Caddyshack), Rue McClanahan (Golden Girls), Ann Jillian (It’s a Living), and Dawn Wells (Gilligan’s Island)
It’s a Two Parter! Five different storylines. Throw some streamers and confetti, and blow that horn, we’ve got a cruise to take!
The Family Plan: Carl Lawrence’s (Peter Graves) son and Mary Ann Walker’s (Kathie Browne) daughter are engaged to be married. Carl and Mary decide they want to discourage their individual children, Ted Lawerence (Brian Kerwin) and Carrie Walker (Erin Moran), from marrying each other. I wonder how Carl and Mary Ann will do that? Will it involve accusations of cooties?
The Promoter: Larry Evans (Darren McGavin) is the idea man behind the Marriage a thon, where one lucky couple will win cash and prizes! Sheila Evans (Debbie Reynolds) is his wife, for now. In order to protect Larry’s image as a married man of a contest promoting marriage, Sheila agrees to go on one last cruise as his wife. Sheila makes it clear that once the boat docks in L.A. the marriage is over. Will Lawrence and Sheila rediscover what makes marriage worth holding a contest over? Or will Lawrence be stuck with a lifetime supply of Rice a Roni?
May the Best Man Win: Brian Litz (Lloyd Alan) decides he doesn’t want to marry his fiancee Emily Marcus (Charlene Tilton), after all. Brian also decides he doesn’t want to deal with the responsibility or consequences of telling her. Good thing his friend, nice guy Marv Prine (Don Most), is here. Marv will handle the mess Brian leaves, right?
Forever Engaged: Tom McMann (Ted Knight) and Mary Hubble (Rue McClanahan) have been engaged, almost married, and then back to being engaged for ten years. They’ve decided it’s time to get married now. Will they?
The Judges: When Captain Stubing doesn’t have time to judge the Marriage-a-thon he assigns the job to Doc. Doc assigns the job to Gopher. Initially resistant, when Gopher meets his fellow judges, Rena Ward (Ann Jillian) and Valerie Madden (Dawn Wells), Gopher changes his mind. Is it possible Doc regrets delegating this responsibility?
We’re in St. Thomas Virgin Islands. It’s beautiful. There are ocean and mountain vistas. Also, there are a lot of cruise ships lined up and crammed into a very small port area. I guess cruise companies also realized St. Thomas is beautiful.
There’s live music on board and we see a banner that says,“Marriage-a-thon” Cruise. Isaac points to a large painted map (the style is the same as the one used for the Alaska cruise in the opening two episodes of Season 3) and tells Doc (but let’s be honest, Isaac is telling us) our stops. St. Thomas, Caracas (Venezuela), Curaçao, through the Panama Canal to Panama City and then back to a familiar port, Acapulco. Thanks for the exposition, Isaac!
It’s obvious we are not on the Pacific Princess. It’s a different ship. When we board we see half circle couches. Very dark burnt orange carpet.
A catwalk with glass panels. Good thing we have some familiar faces on board to keep us grounded. And there’s a Fiesta deck on this ship as well. Whew.
The Marriage-a-thon is a contest. I’m still not exactly sure what you have to do to win. The organizer, Larry and his wife, Sheila board together.
We’re meeting some of our brides and grooms, but wait! Back on shore at a hotel are groom Brian, and Best Man, Marv. As the camera pans to them we see a young woman do a cartwheel of sorts off the diving board and into the pool! She’s not involved in the storyline directly.
Brian doesn’t want to marry Emily. He wants to spend time with his old girlfriend, Myrna. Brian charges Marv with letting Emily know the wedding is off.
Marv resists but ultimately accepts his mission from Brian.
Hey, it’s You…Surprise! Both parents (Peter Graves/Kathie Browne) join Young Couple (Brian Kerwin/Erin Moran) and there are introductions all around. The fact that introductions were needed here means either these two young people moved VERY quickly or this Mom and Dad aren’t as involved as they’d like to present. Update: we find out later that Young Couple have known each other for two months. So, it’s the former.
Julie recognizes Marv. They embrace. Marv was on the Alaska Cruise in the beginning of Season 3 (please see Dee’s recap). Marv (Don Most) was a best man then, too. Julie watches as Marv verbally stumbles around a bit, sharing a cover story for Brian with Emily. Marv then settles on Brian will join the ship again at the next port (Caracas). Emily (Charlene Tilton) is disappointed but with Julie’s encouragement it ends on a positive note. They’ll see Brian soon! At least, that’s what Emily thinks.
I Love You…On the Sundeck, Tom looks so relaxed it’s almost like he’s forgotten that he and Mary are finally getting married! But Tom didn’t forget. He’s happy. (The wedding bell decorations everywhere and the giant “Marriage a thon” banner do seem like pretty good reminders to Tom but we don’t know the exact history here. And maybe Tom isn’t very observant.)
Below deck, Larry the “Marriage-a-thon” organizer has a giant floral arrangement delivered to the cabin he and Sheila are sharing. Does it work to rekindle the romance? Well, Sheila instructs Larry to have the maid, “make up the couch.” Strike one, Larry. Maybe Rice a Roni would work to change Sheila’s mind?
Who’s Hungry? All this talk about Rice a Roni has given me an appetite.
Young Couple and their parents are dining together. Let’s call the parents, John Saboteur and Jane Saboteur for fun. We’re all going to be together awhile.
Gopher and the two beautiful judges are also dining together, and Doc is a bit jealous. Maybe Doc was too quick to dump the judge job onto Gopher?
Mary is worried because Tom hasn’t shown up for dinner yet. She approaches Isaac, sounding increasingly upset. Isaac points back to Tom and Mary’s table to show her that Tom is there now. He was just a little late. Crisis averted.
Marv and Emily are sitting together. Emily is reminiscing with Marv about an incident from their shared past. This memory tells us that Marv was a nice guy even back in high school. Marv also hints he may have had a crush on Emily back then. (It involves 🚲s, this will come up later.)
At the Captain’s table, Larry is sharing about what makes a marriage last. “You don’t need everyone to love you, just a few good people.”* Sheila appears unpersuaded. Strike two, Larry, for those of you keeping track at home.
What’s the Story, Morning Glory? We’re on the Sundeck. There’s a breakfast buffet! I’m not sure if it’s safe to have all that food out in the sun? I certainly know it isn’t safe for me, as I burn easily.
Young Couple is having breakfast with John and Jane Saboteur.
While the women remain seated, the men go to get some food. At the table, Jane insists to her daughter that there is, “No way you can know you are really in love in 2 months.” I hope Jane doesn’t have to eat those words later if she falls in love with John, she already said she is full from the buffet.
At the breakfast buffet, OH MY GOSH this buffet. John is all blah blah about it’s too soon for young son to marry. Now back to the buffet. There are several pyramid structures made of food! The base is fruit stuck in bread (?) then there are upside down cooked chickens, the ring formed by the end of their legs has kale (?) garnish and fruit flowers. Then it is crowned with a pineapple top which is then topped with grapefruit and orange fruit flowers!
There’s more! A large upside down turkey with fruit shapes stuck to it with cloves or peppercorns(?) and the legs are topped with kale garnish, and a grapefruit and orange flower. There are breadsticks which have flower shaped tops formed on them nearby. At the end of the table is a rib section propped on its side, crowned with a red cabbage cut in half. And there are platters all around with fish, ham, danishes and breads.
Issac is chatting with Tom, the man who is not married after ten years of engagement, at the Sundeck bar. Tom shares that he thinks love is good, but getting married he’s not as thrilled about.
I Have a Plan…John Saboteur has an idea. Instead of trying to talk Young Couple out of marrying, the two Saboteurs should agree with Young Couple! Ah, reverse psychology? Jane Saboteur isn’t so sure about that. Then, John reveals the rest of his idea. Each parent will spend some time with his/her son’s or daughter’s future spouse, then each Saboteur will say exaggerated uncomplimentary things about his/her child! Jane has a verdict for John’s plan of reverse psychology plus planting seeds of doubt, perfection!
The First Test…Larry has the floor (or the deck) and talks the competing couples through the first marriage test. Lively game show music accompanies the scene. Julie brings Larry a telegram. Bad news, it says there will be no Marriage-a-thon TV special.
Uh oh. Larry was depending on the money from this. “Money is, in some respects, like fire. It is a very excellent servant, but a terrible master.” P.T. Barnum.
Uh oh, again! Gopher gets his first test as the third judge when the two other beautiful judges disagree. Doc offers to help, but no worries, Gopher can handle this. If you started to think this was going to be a recurring scenario you are correct. Get ready for two beautiful judges (lather), Doc tries to involve himself (rinse), Gopher handles it without Doc (repeat).
Marv and Emily are standing together out on the deck at night. After Marv walks Emily back to her cabin, he fails his first chance to correct Emily’s misunderstanding of Brian’s absence. He confesses his oversight to Julie in what approximates the Acapulco Lounge on this ship (I think). She encourages him to tell Emily soon and offers to help if Marv needs it.
Temptations Should End in Victory**…Gopher and Doc are jogging on deck in the morning. Doc is wearing a powder blue terry cloth newsboy style cap. I’m not sure why.
Both Valerie (Dawn Wells) and Rena (Ann Jillian) ask Gopher to have breakfast with each of them. Again, Doc offers to help, and again, Gopher assures Doc he can handle things.
As Larry is coming out of his cabin, one of the contestants delays him. The contestant groom mentions how just a house and car would be enough of a prize. Then the groom offers the prize money to Larry. The contestant groom is trying to bribe Larry so that he and his bride can win! And not by completing all the fun marriage games, mind you, but by offering Larry money! We don’t see Larry’s response.
Marv should tell Emily the truth. Instead, when the ship arrives in Caracas, Marv tells Emily he got confused and really, Brian will meet her at the port in Curaçao. Now, just in case you didn’t know how Curaçao is pronounced (I didn’t at first) it doesn’t sound anything like Caracas.
Emily is pretty upset that Marv got things mixed up. (Boy, Emily, are you in for a surprise later.) After Emily storms off, Marv confesses to Julie that he still hasn’t told Emily the truth about Brian.
During the entire ten years of being engaged, neither Mary nor Tom have ever discussed where they would live once they are married. Tom refuses to live in a house, all that maintenance! And he also refuses to live in an apartment, the noises from the other tenants could drive them crazy! When Isaac mentions the next marriage game is diapering there is an additional argument between the two, as they’ve never discussed whether they will have children. I’ll tell you what they decided about that, but I’m not sure it matters, they’re going to adopt. After getting a glimpse into this couple’s lives, it can make you think, if I was Tom or Mary, I would be tempted to stay engaged a little longer.
When You’re Careless with Other People, You Bring Ruin Upon Yourself***…Sheila and Captain Stubing have a talk. Captain Stubing encourages Sheila not to give up on her marriage to Larry without giving it careful thought. Sheila considers Merrill’s words. (Which is a good thing, because usually Merrill’s advice is sensible. I can’t always vouch for Doc.)
Upon arriving at the cabin she shares with her husband, the contestant groom stops by. He asks for Larry. When Sheila tells him Larry is out, but she is Larry’s wife, the contestant groom gives Sheila a message for her husband, “It’s a deal.”
Sheila finds Larry on deck. The second Marriage-a-thon game, “diaper the baby contest,” has completed. When Sheila asks about the message, she finds out that Larry is taking the contestant groom’s bribe to fix the contest. Sheila is upset. (I think everyone watching this episode is also.) Larry tries to persuade her by quoting P.T. Barnum, “Fortune always favors the brave, and never helps a man who doesn’t help himself.” But, this fails.
Strike three, Larry, for those of you keeping track at home. Sheila, done with Larry, moves into Captain Stubing’s cabin as there are no other available rooms on the ship. You didn’t think Debbie Reynolds would be stuck sleeping in a deck chair or a lifeboat, did you? It goes without saying that if Larry follows through on the bribe there isn’t enough Rice a Roni to ever change Sheila’s mind, even if it is a lifetime supply!
John and Jane Saboteur deploy their shared devious plan. We can tell that Young Couple is considering some of the recently introduced negative qualities of their future spouse.
Whether It’s an Accident or on Purpose, the Result is the Same… After arguing over the place they will live, and whether or not to have children, Tom discovers a singular problem. He can’t say the words, “I do.” Mary is upset. Isaac tries to help, but it’s a no go. Those words won’t come out no matter how hard Tom tries.
Doc is again stuck witnessing Gopher romancing each of the judges. This time it’s seeing Gopher have them in and out of his room at night. Doc is really regretting his choice to skip the judge’s role for this contest.
Emily and Marv have been spending more time together since leaving Caracas on the way to Curaçao. Emily kisses Marv. Then, another time, Marv kisses Emily. Emily is upset because she should not be kissing Marv, when she’s supposed to marry Brian. Now, Marv tells the truth, Brian isn’t coming. Marv leaves, and we see Emily’s reaction.
To Be Continued!
Predictions (please see Dee’s helpful disclaimer from Season 3)
The Family Plan Both Young Couple and the Saboteurs will get married. Though if I was the “Young Couple” I’d feel weird hosting the “Saboteur Couple” for holidays knowing they tried to sabotage my marriage.
The Promoter Larry will not be wearing an ascot when he debarks.
May the Best Man Win I don’t think we’re done with Brian yet. I think he will show up and want Emily back. Emily will not take Brian back. Not sure if she’ll marry Marv. Also Charlene Tilton is 4’ 11” just in case you were asking yourself the same question I was.
Forever Engaged Tom and Mary will live up to the title of their storyline and not get married.
The Judges We’ll watch Doc keep trying to add a fourth to this threesome. There will come a point at which Gopher will find he can’t handle navigating these two beautiful co-judges.
Questions I’d like to see answered:
1. Will Larry really take the bribe from Contestant Groom?
2. Did Emily really believe all the stories Marv told about Brian? 2a. I feel like they weren’t incredibly convincing or logical?
3. Will Mary just settle with having Tom say, “I will,” or alternatively, “You betcha!”? Or perhaps, “I concur.”
4. Will I stop thinking about P.T. Barnum and the Greatest Showman movie I never saw when I see Larry?
5. Doc from the beginning of this cruise has seemed like a bit of a grumpy Gus. Will he cheer up?
6. Will there be a marriage game where the bride and groom have to choose which one of them would get to live if the Love Boat sank and there was only room for one of them in the life boats?
7. Please, another amazing buffet. Not really a question, more a request.
8. Will Tom (Ted Knight) get so upset at one point that his face will turn red?
9. Will I PLEASE stop talking about Rice a Roni?
*Charity Barnum, the Greatest Showman quote ** J. Newton quote ***Jenny Lind, The Greatest Showman quote https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/i-do-alternative-words/3f9e60f1a10684fb.html for reference to alternatives to, “I do.”